“The worm has turned”
A few years ago I decided to quit journalism. It was a decision which, after two whole decades in the business, was based on more than the official response I used to give everyone who would ask the ’’why’’ question. One important rationale was the desire to commit to my family life, in ways which the nature of the job left little room for. However, that was not the only reason.
The exhaustion, frustration and the feeling of doing the wrong thing, without knowing how to do the right one, were the main reasons. I spent full twenty years writing articles, conducting interviews, reporting, working on the news, bulletins and commentaries. Still, only on a few rare occasions, would these tasks give me a sense of accomplishment.
Most of the time, I was under strain, having a constant feeling of helplessness. I felt this way despite being fully aware of the media power and, of the fact that, being a part of it, gave me an opportunity to find the roots of my discontent.
Hence, having decided to leave my job in journalism, a tiresome profession in Serbia (and when I say “tiresome“, I mean that in every sense of the word), I was lucky enough to obtain a position in a publicly-owned corporation, at the department of Public Relations. I spent two enjoyable years, safe and comfortable, at this company. It was like having a cup of mulled wine in a warm cabin, after a long hike through a snow-clad mountain. It was cosy and relaxing, like a genuine feeling of serenity.
But then, the worm has turned. Not being committed to a single social cause, and being unable to find an outlet for my anger at the Serbian culture of violence, made me miserable. I felt as if I was anesthetized. Back then, Serbia used to glorify the rut of a daily routine, but all that powerlessness made me sick.
The prospect of being, in a way, separated from my family for several days every week, was daunting. I had insecurities about fitting in to a new environment, and felt the fear of expectations exceeding my abilities. However, I relied on the tremendous support from Boris and the children. My sources of strength were also my parents, who had nothing but endless support for every choice I have ever made. Thus, my journey began.
And I reached a place where my heart has always had its home.
Doing a job you love is a privilege. It means being able to work with respectable people, doing what you think is right and knowing that your opinion matters, and all of that without the punishing and competitive hierarchical system. And how I know I reached the right place? There isn’t a single answer. Rather, it is something I feel about the slow process of repairing the damaged relations among the people of the Former Yugoslavia. It’s something I can almost touch, when, after a successful workshop, a sense of fulfilment permeates my whole being. I look for the answer in the friendships and the acceptance, and I find it when I see people treat each other with respect, in the face of all the differences. The answer lies in the ability to embrace my Šumadija identity, even when, for another person, Šumadija is a gaping wound. And now I see it. It wasn’t easy, but somehow, from that log-cabin, and through a snowstorm – I reached home.
My arrival at the CNA was officially announced at the beginning of the current year. In fact, I first joined the CNA in 2002, when I sent my application for the Basic Training. What came next were first panel discussions, then Training for Trainers, films… For me, working and making friends with the CNA people all these years have been a relief from the monotony of everyday life. I find joy in this job, because it gives me the opportunities such as, visiting Kosovo for the first time in 2005, or building relationships with people from Macedonia, Bosnia, Croatia… I get to adopt new insights, and meet other peacebuilders. These people are often, much like myself, confused about where to turn, but they never stop believing in the hard work, and the cause they are fighting for.
PS. I wrote my text about coming to the CNA twice. My emotions got the best of me…they’re sometimes simply too intense to deal with. However, I know that without the emotions, I wouldn’t be where I am now, so I decided anyway to give a more factual and balanced account of my decision and the reasons for joining the CNA.
PPS. In the end, I have to express my deepest gratitude to everyone who supported me upon my arrival- the entire CNA team, for never letting me forget that I can, and should be, actively engaged. I give my thanks to them, because they included me, there and then, in every activity and, sometimes, they believed in me more than I believed in myself.